Transcript: Low Gothic Translated
Right, so, I’m supposed to write a summary of the assorted bullshit I’ve been through for the past couple of months “for the Inquisitorial record”. However, despite working for the Order Xenos, I didn’t get to kill a single alien; so I’m going to write everything that didn’t concern aliens in Eldar to protest this treatment.
<So, first an extremely brief summary: my fellow acolytes (i.e. subordinates) that I work with most frequently are Nero, a techpriest recruited from the Spinward Front, and Thibodaux Bodine, a general waste of skin who is alarmingly proficient as shooting things. We spent about a month trying to track down the heretic Fen Greely who orchestrated the theft of a large amount of munitions along with a number of traitor guardsmen. We later discovered them to be part of a group called the Tarot, which I will discuss in detail later. We, unfortunately, had very little success. However, we discovered a lead in a BDSM nightclub, where Nero and I went.>
I ended up fighting naked in an arena armed only with an electro -whip against some Dark Eldar abomination, which I defeated through superior application of violence. After this, I was taken to a room where a couple of Dark Eldar actually showed up, talked vaguely about some stuff like the assholes they are, and then teleported out when a bunch of sanctionaries kicked down down the door. Our spoils from this encounter was the very important information that there was Dark Eldar activity on Hive Desoleum.
<A while later, we received orders to investigate the Plague that had so badly affected part of Hive Desoleum. We got into contact with an old informant of ours, a smuggler called Holthane. He asked us to meet him in the plague district, which we did. He told us that the plague had been caused by a heretic called Gosef Actium, who was planning on auctioning off the bio-weapon that caused it at a place in the Underhive called the Fell fort. We were unable to locate the fort itself; however, we did learn of a nearby settlement called Kingnest that we would hopefully be able to acquire directions from, so we decided to head there. Unfortunately, at the gate we were greeted by an enormous horde of mutants. We managed to break through, but they overran the gatehouse. >
<We had several largely irrelevant encounters on our journey to Kingnest; however, we discovered several ruined Mechanicus vehicles and dead Techpriests stripped of their bionics along the way. As we discovered upon reaching Kingsnest, the ruler of that place, known as the Rat King, had arranged a deal with Magos Kaecipher of the Selvanius Binary; in exchange for a planet left behind by Selvanus Brinary’s Explorator fleet, he would give the Magos a Titan Warlord STC. However, the destruction of the Explorator expedition threw a wrench into this plan; the stripping of augmentations suggested that the perpetrators were a local gang that called themselves the Storm Lords, and the Rat King agreed to give us directions, supplies, and military aid in exchange for bringing him the head of the Storm King, leader of the storm lords, and talking to Kaecipher on his behalf.>
<We snuck into the Storm Lords’ fortress with the help of a bounty hunter of Thibodaux’s acquaintance and a singer who turned out to be a Psyker. After tricking the majority of the Storm Lords into leaving the fortress by fabricating an enemy gang attack, we assaulted the inner keep. There, we discovered the Storm King was a former Techpriest who had become a Heretek augmented his body with blasphemous archeotech. We slaughtered him like animal he was, and also rescued a man-hound. I returned his journal and notes to my handler, though I’m not sure they’ll be of any use, given how utterly insane he was.>
This is where the whiskey stains start
<After we returned with the Storm King’s head, we discovered that the Rat King had captured a Heretic who could lead us to the Fell Fort. Turns out, he was part a large Heretical organization called the Bilious Legions; disgusting Nurgle-worshippers, the lot of them. We also found out that Greely’s group called themselves the Tarot and were in opposition to the Callers of Sorrow, a domestic Nurglite conspiracy. We terrorized the location of the Fell Fort out of him, along with their plan; Gosef had been planning to betray the Legion and sell the Bio-weapon to the highest bidder, but the Legion was aware of that and was planning around it. They were planning on using warp phenomenon called a Regia Occulta to bring in their legions of heretics and demons and wipe out Hive Desoleum. Of course, we planned on killing every last fucking one of them instead. We set out for the Fell Fort after resting, along with an army of gangers and the Rat King.>
The whiskey stains start intensifying here, and the handwriting deteriorates.
Just before we assaulted the fort, we sent Thibodaux to a nearby vantage point where he could have a clear view and clear shot at anyone in the fort. As he was climbing to it, he encountered a strange Eldar. I don’t know what he was, but he definitely wasn’t Craftworld, and he didn’t seem drugged up enough to be Dark. He spoke to Thibodaux at first, but soon switched to talking to me, using Tibs as an intermediary. He wanted to know where his fallen kinsmen fell at REDACTED. In exchange, he would owe us a favor that would come in handy if we ever dealt with Eldar chicanery. He left after I agreed. Knowing my luck and Eldar Bastardry, we’ll end up killing a bunch more of those fuckers before long.
<So after that groxshit was dealt with, we began our assault of the fort. The Rat king and his men helped by blowing up the front gate with artillery and acting as meat shields between the important people and the numerous cultist grunts. We entered the courtyard and were greeted by an open Regia Occulta, and more importantly A FUCKING PLAGUE MARINE. Gosef was also there, but was too busy cowering to interfere with the fight. Obviously, we won, or this report wouldn’t have been written, but I want to state for the record that for this fight, Thibodaux was too busy being useless to help, as is frequently the case. It was a glorious combat; the Plague Marine and his servants were strong, but Nero and I broke them and drove them into the mud. After we slaughtered the Plague Marine WITHOUT TAKING A SINGLE HIT, we broke the fell fort’s gate mechanism that was also the mechanism for operating the occulta, and then got the fuck out of there. >
The handwriting gets even worse, and Tanta is clearly to drunk to be able to write in Eldar
I, Nero, Thibodaux, Gosef, Titus the Bard/Pysker, Veljack the manhound, and a priest by the name of Ibrim Atellus who agreed to guide us back through the maze of the underhive started heading back towards the gate. Ibrim was generally an alright guide but managed to get us completely fucking lost close to the gate, so I had to find us some more fuel BECAUSE APPARENTLY, I’M THE ONLY CONSISTENTLY COMPETENT PERSON ON THIS WHOLE FUCKING PLANET. Is it too much to ask for someone, anyone who won’t continuously fuck shit up? For the Emperor’s sake, my only help is usually a psychopath Techpriest who’s as much a danger to our allies as our enemies and a fucking piece of shit who’s only redeeming attribute is being a decent shot. I’m a fucking noble, I shouldn’t have to-
There’s a particularly large stain, and then the handwriting resumes its previous quality and language while the whisky stains stop.
<After we reached the gate, we realized we’d need a plan to deal with the mutant army camped there. Thibodaux, Nero, and I infiltrated the gate house, and managed to deceive the Heretic leader into believing we were also cultists. I went with him to distract him while Nero and Thibodaux lowered the gate and disabled the console. Meanwhile, Ibrim drove the car through the closing gate with Titus and Gosef in tow. The three of us managed to flee the gatehouse with minimal resistance, which is when we were picked up by Imperium forces while the mutants were destroyed. I believe that covers everything. It was a long, heinously dangerous operation, but we succeeded and nobody we knew died, so I’d call it an unmitigated success.>
